I told him that my feet hurt and that they would hurt more if I tried to take off the shoes. He offered a massage, but I said I would be ok. His eyes moved up and down my body. He was obviously very turned on with what I was wearing. We made love for hours. I had forgotten how good it felt. I havn't felt this good in years, and I became exhausted after a few hours. We finally fell asleep, exhausted. I woke in the middle of the night with a shock from my right foot. I sat up and found him at my feet trying to remove my shoe. "I have been trying for a half hour to get this thing off, but it's stuck! How do you take them off?" I was terrified. What was I going to say? "I can't..". The choker tightened, tighter, tighter. "I can't until morning." The choker loosened up, and I gasped with relief and placed my hand on the collar. He looked at me strangely, and reached for the collar. I didn't fight; I closed my eyes and sat there shaking. He felt it and and looked behind my neck for an. Are you now exploring dressing again because Maryis gone and you can't chase her away now or does it really help you to holdon to a part of her? You have to be brutally honest with yourself. Thinkabout it and I will see you next week."Over the next few days I tore myself apart. The thinking behind Dr. West'squestion was obvious. Was I using Mary's loss as an excuse to start crossdressing again?After five days of sleepless nights, half eaten meals and, maybe, too muchto drink I again found myself leaning against the door of the walk-incloset. Staring at the hangers of clothes, the shoe racks along the floorand a few hats and purses on the shelf I closed my eyes and again tried tosort out my thoughts."I was thinking of my wife Dr. West. The happiness we had together, thealmost scary way we could finish each other's sentences or know what theother was thinking. The clothes were secondary but they are a means to anend. That end is staying connected with my love of the last thirty years.
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